Things have been, not so great for me lately. It’s been pretty rough. I’ve been sad and upset, and put down, and just not myself lately. Sometimes I find myself wanting to crawl up in a ball and stay in my room and cry and not come out or participate in life for awhile. But even with those thoughts, I continue to surprise myself on how I’m able to push through everything the best I can, deal with the shit and negativity; because what else can I really do; and continue to do the best I can do for myself so that I can finally get out of this town.
It takes everything I have to not give up and to keep trying. But I know eventually I’ll get to where I want to be; and to be truly happy.
Not everyday is a bad day though. A lot of the time I do have good days thanks to my best friends who are so willing to come out with me at odd hours of the day to have random adventures and to escape a hectic and stressful life for a bit. I’m forever grateful for the few friends I have that are willing to go on those adventures and random drives in the middle of the night with me. Who’ll have those deep talks about life with me but also be able to just go out and be crazy and random.
But when I’m not keeping myself busy with work or seeing a friend, things seem to go wrong for me otherwise. And it’s annoying. And repetitive. I find myself using any excuse I can to not be home, and to get out of the house and do something or hang out with someone; just so I don’t have to be home and around such negativity. But overall I still try to keep a smile on my face and maintain my bubbly personality that everyone loves about me. It gets tiring. And I don’t want to have to always feel the way I’ve been feeling or awhile.
It honestly sucks when you’re trying so hard to get your life started and you’re doing absolutely everything on your own and you have the closest of people trying to set you backward so that you don’t go anywhere. Like WTF, be cool and either help me out or stay out of my way. If you’re not going to help me reach my goals or say anything positive then there’s no need for me to tell you anything about what I’m doing or my plans. I just have to triumph over all the bullshit and do my own thing, despite all this overwhelming negativity around me.
All I can do is try my best to keep a positive mind and attitude, work hard, save all my money, and when I feel that I am fully financially prepared, move away and start new someplace else.
I know that once I’m out of here and doing my own thing finally, I’ll be at my best and I’ll be my happiest because I’ll finally be away from everything that once drove me crazy. Hopefully by the end of this wild and emotional journey, all the bad things haven’t taken too much out of me and I’m able to collect myself and start again in a new home, in a new city, in a different state, and different environment.
Thinking about the future and where I want to be, where I want to go and who I want surrounding me; where I know I’ll be in less than a year of hard work, determination and saving, gets me really excited.
I have to do what’s best for me and what will make me happy, regardless of what anybody else thinks about it. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned at all in my 21 years of living, it’s that no one is ever going to tell you that what you want to do is a good idea and that you should do it. But who cares. Go for it. Do what you want and don’t regret it. Especially if it’s something you really want or something that will make you happy.
I’m not afraid to be alone anymore in whatever I’m doing in life. I’ve realized that I’ll probably be alone for this journey, but fuck it. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t take these chances and do something different. I’m doing this for myself, with or without anyone’s support or encouragement because I know it’s what I want. Everybody deserves to be happy, in whatever way that may be for them.
And I know my happiness will come soon. Maybe in more than one way.