Final Goodbyes

I’ve been going through some pretty rough and traumatic things over the past couple weeks. And I’m not at all talking about my recovery from my tonsillectomy. These are problems in my personal life, and to be completely honest, it really effected me and got to me. I was really down, I was sad, and very upset. I was so angry and astonished at the thoughts and actions of certain people in my life who I didn’t think could ever be this cruel, especially towards me. I was hurt.

I was so hurt that I’ve stopped talking to people and friends all together and stopped texting a lot of people and sheltered myself because I wanted to go through this alone. I didn’t want them to see how down and upset I was and ask questions. I didn’t want anyone to see how broken I was or have them get involved in these problems.

But I’ve been a little bit better. I briefly talked about it with my parents because I didn’t want them to see me upset and crying either and not know what was going on. But of course I didn’t go into detail about how I was really feeling and all my thoughts about it. That I was saving for when I saw Danny, my absolute best friend on this entire planet. He’s the greatest person I know, who I’ve known since 9th grade, that I can talk to about absolutely anything and everything without judgement. He’s my best friend because we understand each other on every aspect on every level of life. And he’s the only one I can talk to in that way.

I had the greatest night with him last night. We hung out, went out to eat, smoked, cried and went through all the emotions and feelings I was having at the time all this craziness was going on and also how I was feeling right at that moment. We talked a lot about everything in extreme depth like we always have, and he gave me all the insight and very interesting missing information I needed, since he’s my best friend and these people were trying to use him to get to me.

But him being my best friend and knowing everything there is to know about me and how I am, how I act, how I think, and why I think and do things the way I do; he already knew that everything these people were saying about me were ridiculous and untrue and just pure acts of anger towards me. And I was completely appalled at what I had heard these people were saying, but realized that I had already known all along the kind of people they were and how much negativity and anger they carry towards me. But actually hearing it made all the difference for me.

I was overwhelmed with these feelings of sadness and anger at what was being said about me and this whole situation. I was upset at the fact that they could say such hurtful and untrue things and then try to tell everybody else to get other people involved and trying to get them to turn against me too. Like what kind of person are you? How bitter can you be? I was upset that this person was so mad that I didn’t want to be with him anymore, that he would try to do something like this and purposely ruin my relationship with other people just to hurt me. Asshole move dude.

And yes, if you couldn’t tell by the context of that last sentence, I am talking about a psychotic ex boyfriend who won’t leave me alone. The other person, I won’t speak of just yet. But he purposely told lies to a person I cared for so deeply, and turned her against me, trying to ruin my relationship with her. Well congratulations, you succeeded. It hurt a lot at first and really sucked to lose that person over something and someone so stupid; but I don’t need either of you, so I’m done with both of you and your fake personalities.

After last night, and after talking to my best friend about everything that’s been going on in my life, and hearing what my ex and the other person had to say about me, I know now that I am fully over everything and over these two people and anything that has to do with them. I’m over trying to make sense of any of this with them. I want absolutely nothing to do with either of them anymore and I don’t feel bad about losing them or what’s going to become of them. It’s their loss.

The only problem is that THEY are not over it and want to continue to drag things on and harass me about it and try to talk about it and tell everyone untrue things about this situation. And it honestly really hurts that someone I considered to be probably the most important person in my life that I would do anything for; that I did actually do everything for and helped out greatly with everything, would be like this over lies that someone else was telling them.

Despite my best efforts to cut off all contact, this seems to somehow keep coming back to taunt me and I continue to be harassed by this situation and my ex. And that scares me greatly because I don’t want to keep having to deal with this or have it keep coming up because they can’t get over it and move on and stop harassing me. I’m scared that something is going to happen and they’ll try to cause a scene or even hurt me physically. Not just that, but I don’t want this shit to ruin any of my current relationships with people I have interest in. Like hey, you’re cute, let’s hang out, and just so you know I have a psychotic ex boyfriend who won’t leave me alone. Like wtf. I don’t want to be out with friends or with a guy and have to worry anymore that my ex is going to try to do something to hurt my relationship with this person. It just scares me.

With all this negativity that’s been thrown at me over the past couple weeks, I do still try to see the positive. But only with the other person. I know in my heart that I didn’t say or do anything wrong to her, or treat her in any way that would make her feel degraded. You were my cousin, my sister even, my best friend, and a very important person to me and my life; you were family, and it’s sad to say that you aren’t any of those things to me anymore. I know in my heart that I was always there for you, to help you out when things got rough, to buy you things that you needed and wanted when you didn’t have anyone to provide for you, and I tried my best to make all the bad situations a little bit better for you any way that I could. I will always remember and treasure all of the amazingly fun and goofy times we’ve spent together in my car driving around the city and having adventures, and all the talks we had about our future.

But unlike both you and my ex, I am not a bitter person. I never was and I never will be. I wish you the best of luck in everything you try to accomplish with your life in the future and I really do hope everything works out for you. But the last time we talked is the last time I will ever talk to you. I don’t ever want to hear from you again; and I won’t be accepting you back with open arms if you do decide to come back and start talking to me again. This is your life, it always was. And you can figure it out on your own by listening to yourself and what you want.

I’ve done everything I can on my part to cut off all contact, not just from those two people, but also from anyone who is friends or associated with them; so hopefully this won’t get to me anymore.

Yes, I’m still hurting, and no, as of right now I’m still not okay; but I will be. In time. And hopefully all of this will finally be left in the past and these people don’t come back to try and hurt me again. I’m just done. Please leave me alone once and for all and move on with your own lives.

This is my final goodbye to both of you.

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4 responses to “Final Goodbyes

  • Jade Sambrook

    I sympathize with what you are going through. It isnt easy. Do know however that every single human being on earth will experience pain from seperation, break-ups, untruthfulness from friends, deception and the list goes on. Even rock stars and famous actors experience this. As you know, time heals and in this case I am sure that your ex boyfriend and the other person will focus their energy elsewhere after a certain amount of time and they will simply move on. Always remember that hurt people hurt people, and since they are hurting themselves at the moment they are looking for ways to hurt you emotionally. I know that this may sound clichΓ©, but what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger! You are a strong person being a lifeguard and all, and you will learn from this experience and become even stronger! Because of this learning experience, going forward you might even be able to recognize psycho people before they become your friends or your boyfriend. Although it is difficult at the moment, again, things will get easier with time. Trust life and stay strong!

  • Ashley Lily Scarlett

    I’m sorry to hear this, Ali. I hope you’re feeling better about it now and that your throat is healing well.
    One of your tonsillectomy shots is now up on ‘strata of the self’:
    https://strataoftheself.wordpress.com/2015/06/09/alexandra-diaz-aliapplejack/
    Thanks for joining in, Ali. πŸ™‚

  • pratyu

    I could see the words pouring out from the heart… though I might not know exactly what you’re going through , I would like to say u stay strong girlie.. You did an awesome job till now and nothing can go worse than it already has.. so you are looking at better and best days ahead.. To the great days ahead… cheers..

  • messupdressup03

    It’s really brave of you to understand that although you aren’t okay, you will be!! Happy to connect!! Do check out my writings too, will appreciate your reviews πŸ™‚

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