Life In Slow Motion

I need to rant and ramble on right now.

Today was weird. Around 3 o’clock today something hit me and I got extremely sad. Maybe it’s only for today, but I may be falling into the sadness and depression I was talking about before. I have been pretty damn happy for the past six days, especially for someone who just had surgery, and I think it’s because I’ve had my mother with me the entire time, spending time with me and taking care of me since I can’t really move around to make myself food or get things that I need. We’ll spend all day together on the couch watching movies, and even though nothing interesting will be on and we’ll get a little bored just sitting there, we enjoy it because we’re together.

And that’s what I didn’t have today.

My mom was basically home all day, but I think she had something going on that she needed to deal with so she wasn’t by my side at all like she had been for the past six days. I was alone. All day. It was sad and I was sad. I had to do things on my own and the simplest things were so difficult. It was a bad feeling not really having anybody there for me. Idk maybe my mom thinks that because I don’t have any physical pain in my foot, that I don’t need to be looked after? But I still can’t do things on my own. She’s my mom and I need her. I need her to help me with things I can’t do by myself, and I need her to comfort me and be there with me.

I come out to the living room couch to sit there and hang out with my family because they want me out there with them instead of in my room, and today I went out there and no one sat with me at all. I was just alone. And I felt sad because of that. So I just went back to my room since no one was keeping me company.

This surgery didn’t bring me any physical pain, but instead, lots of emotional pain. It sucks because everything I love doing has been taken away from me. You don’t really think about what it’d be like if something as simple and natural as walking gets taken away from you. I can’t do the things I enjoy anymore. I can’t walk, I can’t skate, I can’t drive, I can’t see people, I can’t go anywhere or do anything and it’s so frustrating. I can’t even enjoy the sunrise or sunset or the beautiful weather because I can’t get outside on my own. And trying to explain this to my parents is hard without me tearing up. I feel like I wouldn’t be able to finish a sentence if I started talking to them about how sad I feel. Like, the one thing I love doing is going out and doing things. Anything, and get away from home. And it tortures me that I can’t do anything.

That was probably the hardest part of today, trying not to cry. My dad asked if I wanted to go with him because he was going to get me food from Taco Bell, and I said yes so he helped me hobble over to the car and we went. And as soon as we backed out of the garage and driveway, I instantly wanted to breakdown crying. I really missed being outside. The weather was perfect, and beautiful, then we passed the park and I saw happy people being outside and having a good time. Then we pulled up to Taco Bell and I saw people inside eating and hanging out and it made me sad that I can’t do those things with my friends anymore. Everything about being outside made me sad and all I wanted to do was cry because I missed it so much. But at the same time, being outside is exactly where I wanted to be.

Everyone is out having a good time with their family and friends, then there’s me, who can’t even get into the kitchen pantry for a snack on her own. And bringing up the side topic of friends…, I feel like my friends wouldn’t even hang out with me if I didn’t bug them about it. I mean, we always have awesome times together when we do hang out, but if I left it up to them to make plans, we would never hang out. And the fact that all the people I like to hang out with live freaking far from me and I’m the only one who has their license and can drive around places makes it harder to see anybody now that I’m unable to drive.

I just really hate feeling alone.

Anyway, that’s how my Friday went. I hope everyone else was able to enjoy their Friday night.